Why A Set Back Can Be Good For You

Sometimes life kicks you when you’re down and you feel as if you’ll never recover. But you can and you will. Emotional resilience is a talent you can develop.

Last year, a friend of mine lost her fiancé in an accident. She cried, felt lonely and sad, but tried to concentrate on what made her happy, which was sculpting. It helped. Eleven months on, she attended a bereavement group – mainly for the company. And there she saw how others coped with their loss. One man had been so depressed since the death of his wife that, two year later, he still rarely bothered to dress in the mornings. Was his grief worse than hers? Not necessarily – only his ability to cope with disaster.             

            Life seems to knock some of us around while others seem blessed by sweeter circumstances. This is true – to a degree. But the whole truth is: No matter what setbacks life offers, some of us can roll with it, while others are squashed. And that is what makes all the difference.

            We call the capacity to jump life’s hurdles gracefully emotional resilience – your ability to rebound from all kinds of bad feelings – pain, fear, grief, humiliation, depression – the entire sweep of human suffering. It is your resilience that allows you to withstand the shocks of change, to recover from tragedy and to move forwards after failure

How resilient are you?

There are two kinds of situations that test our resilience. The first are those life-altering traumas such as the death of a loved one or your own battle with cancer or being fired abruptly. These are major devastations because they shake the very foundations of your life.

            The other kinds of situations that test our resilience are the far more common – though thankfully less disruptive – blows of daily life: The promotion goes to someone else or you have a vicious argument with your boyfriend – they also call on your reservoir of inner strength. Your ability to rebound after a setback is probably partly inborn. Certainly your temperament and your energy levels are biologically influenced, as well as your general tendency towards optimism or pessimism. Although this doesn’t mean you’re doomed or blessed at birth. Just that resilience comes more easily to some people than to others. We are also influenced by our upbringing, by how much self-confidence our family helped us to build and our own individual experiences.

            The timing of trying events also affects our resilience. Most of us have periods when we’re able to brush aside setbacks and then vulnerable times when a snooty glance from a stranger is an instant knife in the heart. We are usually at our strongest when we are physically healthy and our lives are relatively satisfying.

            Yet when bombarded by bad news, the slightest injury can cut absurdly deep. We often feel as if we are being battered by the outside world. In fact, it is our own ability to rebound from life’s random blows that is at low ebb. The following techniques will help strengthen that resilience and make those hard times a little easier to take.

BUILD YOUR RESILIENCE

You can’t control the world, but you can make it hurt less, first though, you must have the will to propel yourself towards survival. Some loss comes so perilously close to an emotional death that any spirit-strengthening techniques may be temporarily beyond you. If you’ve taken a crippling blow, it may be all you can do to get out of bed.

            Anne, 27, soldiered on bravely after her mother died. But when her cat died four months later, she became hysterical. Anne explains, “Something bad happens when you’re able to cope and carry on. Then something else bad happens and it’s just too much. I think even if you cope outwardly, it takes a lot of time to get over things.”

            To be resilient, you need to be kind to yourself and recognize you need to allow yourself time to recover. For instance, bereavement counselors claim it takes at least a year before you can actually believe someone is dead, to get to the plateau stage. So be patient with yourself. Talk to and encourages yourself. Force yourself thought the motions of life and trust that one day its meaning will be restored. Relief is ahead – even if you can’t see it yet. And after relief, perhaps something even better.

            Keep your thoughts focused on the road ahead and remind yourself how far you’ve come.

DRAW ON OTHER

When you’re in emotional pain, you must reach out to others. But fatigue, shame and depression can make you withdrawn socially at the time you need contact most. You may even succumb to the old myth that strong people stand alone while the weaker depends on others. During bad times, this prejudice is a real obstacle. Human beings are social animals. We support each other. So if you find yourself becoming isolated – fight it.

            Isolation depends depression, exaggerates humiliation and increases the likelihood of distorted thinking (“I’ll never feel better”, “My life will always be awful”, etc.). Force yourself to go out, visit people, attend events and call friends often. Let them know what you need. Ask them to listen if you need to vent your feelings. Lets them encourage you to laugh a little.

            Many people going through tough times needs confirmation that what they think and feel are normal. Support groups are founded on this very belief. During catastrophic circumstances, a support group is the best place to find emotional release as well as practical advice. These people know you feel. Who could help you more? And just as importantly (since they foster self esteem), who could you help more?

YOU MUST EAT AND SLEEP

Noting reduces your capacity to rebound so much as exhaustion. If your sleep is disturbed for more than a week, try exercise, hot chocolate or any other home remedy that’s worked for you in the past. If you continue to have difficulty falling or staying asleep, go see you GP.

            A flagging appetite needs a more military approach – eat mechanically and healthily. If your hunger is voracious, pay attention to structured eating by planning your meals.

            Jenny, 27, agrees sensible eating is crucial to coping well. She lost her job then, three months later, her grandmother died. She says, “I lost a lot of weight after my grandmother’s death. Then when anything went wrong, it was like the world was ending. I couldn’t see things rationally. I felt tired and dizzy. If I don’t eat, I can’t cope because I don’t feel well and can’t think clearly. I made myself eat and it made a difference.”

TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME

You can enhance your emotional resilience by shrinking your life into bite-sized pieces and by reminding yourself of the bigger picture. It may feel impossible to face the rest of your life without your lover or without alcohol or without the rear of a disease’s recurrence. So tell yourself you only have to get through today. You only have to get to the point where your head hits the pillow again. Then you can allow yourself the relief to knowing that you made it. Again.

            Marking small signs of progress can also help you manage an overwhelming experience. Nata, 23, was devastated when she lost her job as a magazine journalist. But she tried to celebrate every sign of progress. She says, “I phoned all my contacts with ideas, I photocopied my cuttings, I polished up my CV. I ticked every positive more off a list. Then, when I landed my first commission from a newspaper, I took myself and a friend out to dinner.”

            Even commemorating your progress inwardly can be very helpful. One woman who lost her father consoled herself by marking when she first got though the day without crying, then when she started to sign in the shower again. She also conjured up an image of herself in a future happy time. She imagined one day telling friends, “It was so hard, but I got through it.” Invoking pictures helps you realize that things will – eventually – change.

INDULGE

Special stress requires special care – from you and for you. Make a resolution to be kinder to yourself until the pain lessens. Do less of what you should do and more of what you feel like. Send your clothes to the launderette to be pressed, eat chocolates, spend a few days in bed, buy yourself fresh flowers.

            Indulge, but indulge wisely. Be cautious in your use of those traditional painkillers: Alcohol and drugs. Both may deaden pain temporarily, but the relief is short-lived and, because alcohol and many drugs can cause agitation and depression, the feel worse once the high wears off, and may be drawn into an addiction without even recognizing it.

TAKE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH SERIOUSLY

            If you’re terribly stressed, don’t merely acknowledge it. Find relief! Develop a stress reduction plan that works for you and use it. It doesn’t matter whether you turn to yoga or cooking. What matters is that you have a way to escape, however briefly, from your pressures.

            Rita, 26, felt despondent after she lost her flat and she had to go back to her parents. Herself-destructive feelings were so persistent, she consulted a psychiatrist. “The psychiatrist said, ‘If I told you were beautiful, intelligent and had your whole life ahead or you, it wouldn’t make any difference, would it?” recalls Rita “I replied, “No, it bloody wouldn’t.’ Months later, I thought of that and smiled… It did help. But you’ve got to allow yourself to be helped. Sometimes, the melodrama of disaster creates adrenaline and it’s addictive. I realized I often let things reach the point of panic so I got the kick. Occasionally, you need rescuing from yourself.” Talking of which…

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD

            Some of our emotional pain is self-inflicted. We think hurtful thoughts, recall the bitter scenes, imagine the horrific possibilities. You’ll bounce back a lot faster if you limit these thoughts. Many people coping with personal crises fear they won’t be able to function at work, but the office – with its demands, deadlines and intrigues – helps many people to “forget” their pain temporarily.

            Kathy, unable to eat or sleep properly for months after her husband left her for someone else, assumed she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on reading. In fact, she found she was to lose herself deeply in a book. She says, “It was as if my mind was grateful for the rest from obsessing about my husband and the other woman.”

            Finally, breathe deeply and struggle towards acceptance. Terrifying as illness is, agonizing though rejection can be, catastrophic as a loss or humiliating as a defeat may be, they are part of life. The toughest part of acceptance is that we’re taught if we’re good, good things will happen to us. Not necessarily so. Accepting our powerlessness over certain situations can bring peace. Noting you might have done would have spared you these experiences for ever. When you are in their grip, struggle to accept that pain is a fact of life. Then resist every temptation to analyse, blame or collapse into it. Keep your thoughts focused on the road ahead and remind yourself how far you’ve come.

            As you strengthen your support network, as you raise the level of your support network, as you raise the level of your physical, mental and spiritual health bit by bit, and as you increase the richness and texture of your life, your overall capacity to rebound from injury will become greater and greater. Resilience breeds resilience. Take pride in strengthening yours.

           

Online Job Scam Alert!

Looking for a job online? Beware of scam artists who are now posting phoney recruitment ads on reputable job search sites to get your money or your identity. Heed these red flags:

Requires money upfront. Unless you’re starting your own business, you should not have to invest any money on a job. Also don’t give out any personal financial details over the phone or via email. Scammers will sometimes try to get your info as soon as you respond to their ads. One tactic is requiring direct deposit info upfront. An employer needs your time end skills, not your money.

Makes outrageous claims. Don’t bother with ads that offer high income for little or no experience. For example, RM1000 to RM2500 per week to fill envelopes is a sure scam. A legit employer aims to narrow reponses by detailing requisite skills ans experience.

Contact is a public email. Avoid job ads that list contacts under free accounts like Yahoo! or Hotmail. These services can be used anonymously which is what scam artistes prefer. If you get a response by phone, never give out personal or financial details. An employer can find out more about you during an interview. If the representative pressures you to do business over the phone, refuse and hang up.

Four Ways To Ask For A Raise!

Just a few careful question is all takes for you to increase your prospects of more moolah. Here’s how:

BRAND YOU. Failing to master the basics can be a major barrier to career progress. Ask yourself: Are you always on time to work; do you take the initiative to spend your own time, money or effort learning a new skill to add value to your company; do you have an idea of where you want to be with your employer in theree to five years?

DEFEND SMARTLY.  Most bosses are not likely to hand you a pay rise on a silver platter. Chances are your request will be met with some resistance. For instance, they may point to an incident when you missed an important deadline or any time you spend goofing off. Saying, “I learned from that and I won’t let it happen again” is good fallback, but if you’ve a better excuse have it ready. Don’t come across sounding defensive; stay cool and collected.

NEVER THREATEN. Don’t ever say you’ll quit if you don’t get a raise. This may make your boss defensive and he may rather see you go than give in to your ultimatum.

RESEARCH. The best way to do a salary survey is to get other job offers. If one or two companies are eager to pay you higher for similar work, you have more ammo: That you’re worth more than your current pay. 

World Wide Web Of Opportunities

Welcome to a borderless world where buying and selling can be done in a virtual marketplace the internet.

Have free time on your hands and want to make some extra money? Tired of working for others but lack the funds to se up your own business?  Here’s the good news: you can actually make money from becoming a “entrepreneur”.

            The best part about setting up shop online is that it requires little monthly overheads, since you don’t have to pay for office space. All you need is a computer, internet connection and persistence.       

But I Don’t Know How…

“The internet has allowed many people to work from home, and helped many businesses grow by having an online presence. It has transformed the way we work and live,” there are a lot of misconceptions and confusion about doing business online. “Essentially, what you need is the right information and tools.

These sentiments are echoed by Wei Kwok Seing, the founding owner of http://www.lelong.com.my/, an online auction site with over 100,000 members. He says, “E-commerce has improved by leaps and bounds since the 90s. Now, the only prerequisites are that you know English, can type, know a bit about online banking and have something to sell.”

With cheaper broadband, software and web hosting services, Wei believes that online businesses are bound to grow even more in the years to come. He adds that people are more willing to buy online nowadays since online banking and internet GIRO are in place.

“Still, you do need some patience as online businesses take time to grow,” cautions, reassuring that, “You can’t be a millionaire overnight, but you can make a decent living and have the freedom of running your own business.”

Types Of Online Businesses

There are various ways of making money online. Here are some examples:

1)         AFFUKUATE PROGRAMMES

            This is where a company offers to pay you a certain amount of money for each sale that comes form your site.

            For example, if you keep an online journal (a blog), which gets a large number of hits monthly, you can sign up as an associate to an affiliate or partner site, placing their advertisement of link on your website. Visitors to your blog may click on your affiliate’s site and buy something. Each sale is tracked by an ID code, which identifies you and pays you a certain commission. The payment is then banked into your online account.

            “I actually know an American who make US$30,000 just from selling ads on his free article directory,” Obviously you need to ensure your site gets enough visitors for this to work.

2)         Membership-only Sites

            This is where members are charged an annual fee or monthly subscription. One good example is HighBeam Research, a high-powered search engine that offers access to an extensive library of resources, which charges membership fess of about RM 76 (per month).       

            Sites containing valuable information will be able to benefit from this system. So, for example, if you are an excellent cook and have plenty of good recipes you want to share with others for a fee, then you can use this system.

3)         Auction Sites

            This is where you can make money by selling off unwanted or second-hand items. Some of the more popular site are eBay and lelong.

            These websites usually offer free registration or they charge a nominal fee/ for instance, for only RM10 registrations fee, you can be a verified member. Which means you can sell an unlimited number of items. With such low start-up costs, they provide a great opportunity for people to start dabbling with online businesses to test whether their product has any market value.

            “Auctions are very popular among people looking for good bargains. But some products just can’t sell, probably because it’s not the right time, price or marketing approach. So you need to review and modify accordingly,”

            Products such as watches or toys, which used to be ignored about two years ago. Today, some toys or watches can fetch prices up to RM300. “When you have captured a clientele base, you invest more into your businesses by starting a real online store.”

Will It Work?

The growing number of entrepreneurs is surely a sign that there is money out there to be made on the internet. However, most seasoned entrepreneurs will tell you that it’s best to embark on your businesses with an open mind. Self-motivation, persistence and support from others are also vital factors than can make or break your business.

HOW AND WHERE DO I START?

1. Register a domain name

    A domain name is your company’s identification on the internet, making it easy for potential customers to find your company online. To register a domain which ends with .com, .net or .biz, you don’t need to register a company first. Costs for these domains vary from RM31 to RM133. Search for “domain registrar” online  (smallbusiness.yahoo.com/domains/) and find one that suits your needs and budget. Any web hosting firm can also help you register a domain provided it is available.

2. Design or set up your E-commerce website

    You can either hire a professional web designer or learn how to create one yourself by learning HTML (Hyper Text Mark Up Language). Many E-commerce site such as http://www.redboxstudio.com have a DIY package where you can easily type text into your website even if you don’t know HTML.

3. Establish shipping or product delivery methods

     Think about how you will send the product to the customer and how much it will cost the customer. (For online transactions, it is understood that the customer pays for shipping.) Check out postal or courier rates (both local and overseas) so that you can calculate these rates into the overall purchasing price.

4. Register with a reliable payment gateway system

    When a customer clicks the “Buy” button on your online store, the shopping cart helps you track what the customer buys, totals up the price, gets her details such as credit card information and sends this information to the pavement gateway for processing. The payment gateway then processes the information on the order form which the customer has filled up on your website, verifies the customer’s credit card details, approves the transaction and collects payment on your behalf. The more popular payment gateways are http://www.paypay.com, www.2checkout.com, http://www.stormpay.com, www.ikobo.com.

Poisonous Pals

Why are some friends so toxic? They make you feel so bad about yourself it’s like you are suffocating. Here’s how to exhale…Why Do Some friends give us so much “pain”? They’re supposed to bring joy into our lives but let’s be honest – some of them can be toxic. So sieve through the friends you have and determine the ones who are genuinely rooting for you, and others who just pay lip service but are actually plotting your downfall. Decide on the ones you want to keep and those you should slowly let go off. As cold hearted as it sounds, it’s for your own peace of mind.

A friend you should keep is someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Even if she/he occasionally criticizes you, she/he does it constructively, and you know it’s an honest assessment form someone who sincerely wants you to better yourself.

A toxic friend, on the other hand, may make you feel worthless or discontented after seeing her/him. This “friend” may also bring out the worst in you by making you gossip or find fault in others. She/he may also be too competitive, always wanting to be better than you.

So, what should you do after you’ve identified a toxic friend? Like all toxic substances, put an end to it! You could cut down on seeing her and hope she gets the message. But sometimes, the direct approach works best. Meet her face to face and explain your position as kindly and honestly as you can. Tell her the time has come for you to move away from her destructive nature as it is affecting you and turning you into something you’re not comfortable with.

THE 8 DEADLY TYPES

By now, a certain “friend” or two may have popped into your mind. Do any of the following sound familiar?

1 The Smiling Stabber

She’ll be ever the good friend to you. Oh, yes, she’ll defend you against your enemies – and tell you all about it. But what you won’t know are the things she says behind your back, which you’ll only discover later – or sometimes never.

2. The Gossip

It’s tempting, but a friendship based on the exchange of gossip can never be good. Karen,32, once had a girlfriend who would call her and tell her loads of gossip. “But then, she’d ask: “Okay, now your turn, what gossip have you got for me?” explains Karen. “To appease her, I’d find myself saying horrible things about friends, and I’d put down the phone feeling bad about myself. Every time she rang I resolved to be more discreet, but she seemed to have a way of worming things out of me. In the end, I decided it was best not to talk to her anymore.”

3. The Control Freak

Ask the control freak to a party at your house and she’ll say: “So, who are you asking? Why don’t you invite so-and-so?” She’ll continue: “Now, why don’t you let me make the roast chicken, and I’ll bring my pretty dishes, so it all looks lovely, and I’ll buy flowers…” and, before you know it, your guests are thanking her as they leave your house. Control freaks like to hone in on every aspect of your life and have little or no sense of boundary.

4. The Taker

This particular toxic friend is the one who rings up in a flood of tears and talks for hours and hours about how her boss is a slave-driver, but then when you ring her, feeling low, she’s always busy.

5. The “Poor Me” Friend

This type makes you feel like a creep. “Oh, you’re so busy with your new friends from your new office, you’ve got not time for me any more” is the kind of whining you’ll hear from such a friend.

6. The “Poor You” Friend

Do you have a friend who makes you feel like a governess? You’re always asked to babysit when she and her husband go out. Or you’re invited to a concert at the last minute because someone has dropped out. You’re always treated well, but with a kind of patronizing charm.

7. The “Twin”

This is the one who assumes that, because she feels something, you feel the same way. She’ll try to suck you into her miserable world, saying, “Now that we’re so old…” even though she’s five years older than you. Her toxicity lies in the fact that if she falls out with them, too; otherwise you’re deemed “disloyal”.

8. The “As A Favour” Friend

It usually takes weeks to discover this one. They’ll worm their way into your life, slide up to you at parties and appear genuinely to like you. But quite soon, they’ll ask a huge favour: “No one will give me a mortgage, but as you work in a bank, could you use your influence to get me one?” You are never sure if they like you or the service you provide.

GET RID OF THE TOXIC

Recognise any of these charmers among your social circle? If so, perhaps it’s time to decide whether the friendship is worth carrying on. It may seem brutal and cold, but sometimes, you have to think about your own emotional health. If a friend only makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to say goodbye to her/him.

Have You Got What It Takes To Succeed?

Some people seem to be born with all the advantages in life but achieve little; others start out with nothing, yet go right to the top. So is there a secret to success, and can you do anything to take advantage of it?

Take our quiz to find out…..

For each question, choose which statement best reflects your personal experience.

PART ONE

1.

• A) You often freeze under pressure (for example, during a driving test) even though you’re well-prepared.
• B) You tend to do well went it counts, even if you don’t spend much time preparing.

2.

A)  You find it hard to cut short long winded people on the phone.

B)  You don’t have trouble finding excuses to get out of conversations with people who

      don’t interest you.

3.

A)  Your kids ask you the same (stressful) question every weekend: “What are we going to

       do?”

B)   You know what your kids will be doing next weekend – because you’ve organized it all

       in advance.

4.

A)  Both at home and at work, you’re happy to maintain the status quo if changing

      something required too much effort.

B)  You’re willing to fight for change if you deem that the battle will be worth winning.

5.

A)   You always have a nightmare deciding what to wear.

B)   You know exactly the right thing to wear for every occasion.

6.

A)   Sometimes you buy things you don’t need (or even like) because you feel pressured by

       the sales person.

B)   You happily leave a store empty handed if you don’t find what you are looking for.

7.

A)   In general, you have a hard time getting what you want.

B)   You almost always achieve the things you really push for.

8.

A)   When on holiday, you rarely wake up before noon.

B)   You often get up at dawn just to make the most of the day.

9.

A)   When faced with a mundane task, you put it off as long as possible.

B)   You do the things you don’t want to do immediately so you no longer have to worry

       about them.

10.

A)   You often worry about what the future holds for you.

B)   You’ve got the next five years all planned out and are feeling very confident about it.

PART TWO

1.

• A) If a shopkeeper short-changes you, you can’t help thinking it was deliberate.
• B) You hardly count your change and rarely check the bill in a restaurant.

2.

A)  You have difficulty confiding in people, even good friends.

B)  You are able to speak about yourself quite easily, even with people you don’t know well.

3.

A)  You are quite superstitious (you don’t walk under ladders).

B)   Sometimes you touch wood, but generally you are not superstitious.

4.

A)  You have gone through your spouse’s pockets, diary, bank book and/or e-mails at least

      once.

B)  You have rarely, if ever, doubted your spouse’s fidelity.

5.

A)   Crowded spaces always make you feel uncomfortable.

B)   You don’t particularly like crowds but generally, they don’t bother you.

6.

A)   You feel you’ve fought tooth and nail for what you have today.

B)   You feel your successes have come from being in the right place at the right time.

7.

A)   When your neighbor takes his trash out early in the morning, you suspect he does it to

       disturb you..

B)   When your neighbors are noisy, you brand them inconsiderate..

8.

A)   When a man stares, you worry that your mascara is running or you have food between

       your teeth..

B)   When a man stares, you assume it’s because he fancies you.

9.

A)   You think that, given the chance, most of your friends would try to seduce your spouse.

B)   You know your friends will never do something like that.

10.

A)   You find it hard acknowledging that something pleases you.

B)   When something pleases you, you say so.

Coount the number of As and Bs in each of the two sections and find out what your results reveal in this table.

		PART ONE
		Mostly As	Mostly Bs
PART TWO	Mostly As	Passive-Insecure	Active-Insecure
	Mostly Bs	Passive-Confident	Active-Confident

YOU ARE THE “ACTIVE INSECURE” TYPE

Success Index: 60 Per Cent

Luck sometimes comes your way and you naturally seize it. But you often sabotage yourself by refusing to trust it (“it’s too good to be true”) or to trust others (you’re afraid of being used). That’s a shame, because on the whole you have what it takes to succeed: You’re not afraid of hard work and you’re entrepreneurial. You are full of energy and drive and you recover quickly from setbacks or failures.

How To Change Your Attitude

You’ll have to learn to take risks and believe in the future. Success is like happiness, love and luck: It requires faith and optimism. So next time things don’t go exactly as planned, be positive: Ask yourself, “What can I do?” instead of wallowing in self-pity.

YOU ARE THE “PASSIVE-INSECURE” TYPE

Success Index: 20 Per Cent

You have your feet fixed a little too firmly on the ground – you don’t expect much, and you don’t get it. You don’t believe in your own social or professional success. You are so worried about protecting yourself from bad luck that you don’t open yourself up to good luck when it does come your way. You don’t help yourself, and you unwittingly reject opportunities that come by.

How To Change Your Attitude

To be successful, you need to be able to look at yourself with a critical eye. But success also requires faith. You can’t change your situation unless you believe in yourself first. So forget your problems, habits, feelings or inferiority and hang-ups, and discipline yourself to get out of your negative mindset.

YOU ARE THE “PASSIVE-CONFIDENT” TYPE

Success Index: 50 Per Cent

You’ve had successes and recognize opportunities when they come along (at least half the time), but are you happy being just okay? You need a bit of enthusiasm and initiative to improve your success rate in relationships and at work. Too often, you wait for opportunities to drop into your lap instead of going out and finding them yourself. You see the world as more magical (you think luck can be attracted with charm bracelets), providential (say your prayers and everything will be fine) and merit-based (hard work will be rewarded) that it is in reality.

How To Change Your Attitude

Be less narcissistic: Don’t sit there waiting for someone to discover you: success required effort and hard work. Be more entrepreneurial and les naïve; be more assertive, and fight to win.

YOU ARE THE “ACTIVE-CONFIDENT” TYPE

Success Index: 90 Per Cent

You’ve been on a winning streak since you were a child and it shows no signs of slowing. You have mastered the art of being in the right place at the right time (and with the right people). You seize every opportunity, and actively seek them out if they take too long to appear. Like everyone, you have experienced setbacks, but nothing slows you for long; you recover quickly from disappointment, failure or heartbreak.

Fine-Tuning Your Attitude

Never lose your optimistic outlook. If you remember to see an opportunity in every problem, instead of repeating the rare occasions when you doubt yourself (“If only … maybe things would have turned out differently…”), engage in self-pity, or look for a guilty party(“Why would someone do that to me?”), you’ll multiply your chances for success further.

STEPS TOWARD SUCCESS

Can we learn to succeed? If it were that easy, everyone would be a winner, which they’re not. You can, however, increase your odds by following these basic principles:

• v Know your real emotional and material needs and set your goals accordingly.
• v Set objectives that can be accomplished over time, instead of trying to do everything at once.
• v Know what matters most to you right now: Having a career, making money, starting a family, etc. Organise your priorities accordingly, and don’t make contradictory choices.
• v Be aware of your capabilities and your limits, and make realistic decisions with these in mind.
• v Accept yourself the way you are. Market and develop your strengths instead of focusing on your weaknesses.
• v Adopt a systematic approach to tasks. Do one thing at a time instead of taking on a variety of projects and then leaving them all unfinished.
• v Set realistic deadlines and quotas.
• v Don’t lose sight of the objective. Be satisfied with doing things well without being a perfectionist.
• v Set aside some time for dealing with problems of for taking advantage of opportunities.
• v Deal with problems as soon as they arise. Confronting issues head-on will help you avoid difficult situations down the road.
• v Learn to delegate work to others instead of trying to make yourself indispensable.
• v Be wary of the expression “I should…” Before saying to yourself “I should do this at all?”
• v Don’t be afraid to say “no” to your spouse, children, friends or boss, but give your reasons. This helps maintain autonomy and efficiency.

Breeze through your work performance review

    There’s no need to break out in a cold sweat just because it’s time for yur boss to review you work. follow our strategies and career ahead at every work assessment.

“Performance review” – every three months, six months or year when you hear those words whispered around the office you feel sick to the stomach at the prospect of sitting down with your boss for an hour to discuss your work performance.

     What if your boss thinks you’re under-performing? what if you have a panic attack and can’t string a sentence together? What if you get a rap over the knuckles for all the personal calls, emails and chats you engage in on work time? It’s enough to keep a girl awake at night – and it does. Trouble is – if you keep looking at your performance review (PR) as a test, you’ll only increase your anxiety about the event. a better approach is to view it as a great vehicle to help you get ahead in your career.

     ”If PRs are conducted properly, they are a sensational opportunity for you to enhance your career development,” “They offer an objective and structured approach to measuring your impact in your job. Because they highlight your personal and professional growth, they can also become credentials, which, when added to your resume, help substantiate your job performance if you apply for another position or a promotion.

What’s the point?

There are four main functions of a job performance review:

• To look at your work performance to date.
• To rate your qualities, such as communication and problem-solving skills, initiative and innovation, time managemetn and leadership potential.
• To plan ahead and set objectives and targets designed to stretch your capabilites during the next review period.
• To identify which skills you lack and consider any additional training, job rotation, coaching or mentoring you need to better achieve your work goals.

     “Performance appraisals provide bosses with a vehicle to reward individual performance and keep thier employees posted on how they fit into the big picture of an organisation, so they feel motivated, important and visible,” “The process is two-way. It’s not about a manager dictating the review. Staff memebers have an equal responsibility to self-assess their performance and bring along a portfolio which itemises what they believe their achievements have been for the year.”

     “During a PR meeting or several days after it, a written assessment will be handed to you. To prove that you agree with your boss on the contents of your PR report, you both have to sign off on the review. In  some companies, the assessment doesn’t go any further. In others, it goes to the next person in charge. Either way, the information is supposed to be kept strictly confidential.

     Though PRs may be linked to a salary hike, they should never become a substitute for the dismissal process, which involves a totally separate procedure. “A performance review should never be full of surprises,” “During the meeting you should only hear criticisms you have been alerted to n the previous year. If not, you’re well withing your rights to say to your boss, ‘I would have appreciated it if you could have flagged these problems with me at the time that they arose’.”

     In her former position as an account manger for a large advertising agency, Kathy, 26, had annual performance appraisals for four years. “During each meeting, we looked at hte previous year’s objectives and the degree to which I had met them. Occasionally, I received constructive criticism. Once my manager pointed out that sometimes I made off-the -cuff remarkes to some of the creative team which had made a few people unhappy or upset. She suggested I get into the habit of counting to 10 and thinking my words through before I made critical comments. When I started to implement that technique my communication skills greatly improved and so did my relationships with my co-workers.” 

Face-to-face with your boss

“I’m a hard worker, but I resent my six-monthly performance review because I feel it’s just an added pressure in an already pressured job,” says Jen, a 28 year old sales rep. “My manager sees it more as an opportunity to catalogue his complaints than engage in discussion so he rarely has a positive thing to say. I feel embarrassed and inept, like he’s a teacher giving me a bad report card.”

     If your boss rates your performance lower than you think yor deserve during your PR, it can be hard not to go on the defensive. But Fuller suggests you try to consider what’s being said with an open mind. “You can become so obsessed by the fact that you only got a three on ‘meeting deadlines on time’ when you should have got a four, that you don’t actually listen and then miss a golden opportunity to refine and improve some of your skills.”

     “Maybe the criticism is valid. Maybe it’s not the first manager who has suggested this is something you hsould work on. If that’s the case, try to take a positive approach by asking yourself, ‘What can I do to improve?’. If however, you feel that your boss’ criticism is way out of line, you’re going to have to come up with punchy counter arguments. This is only possible if you have thoroughly prepared for your PR -  not only by coming up with a list of how you add value to the company, but by also making a list of ‘comebacks’ to counter any complaints you think your boss might have against you.”      Sometimes jumping in early and presenting your weaknesses or flagging issues that have arisen can take the stress out of a PR by lessening your boss’ need to criticize and making you seem like you’re totally across what’s going on. For example, you might say “I am concerned that I am sometimes a little bit sensitive when a client comes back and says they don’t like a design that I spend hours putting together, but this is the way I am trying to address that issue – by learning not to take things so personally, by reminding myself that I’m here to serve the client and by acknowledging that we just have different perspectives and that what they are saying is not a negative judgment of my work.”   

If you’re having difficulties with a colleague – bring it up only if you have tried to sort the problem out with that co-worker directly – otherwise you will just come across like a tell-tale. 

Toni, 29, works for a company which produces advertising brochures for kids clothing. When she went for his first performance review, her boss used it to air his personal grievances against her. “He was a very emotional person who didn’t handle pressure well and obviously resented the fact that I was more organised that he was,” Toni recall. “So during my PR, he introduced a whole range of complaints that he’d never mentioned before. Even though I argued with his I felt powerless.” At first Toni refused to sign the report, forcing her boss to eventually compromise on some issues. Finally, when she did sign she felt that she’d been coerced into signing off on a report that misrepresented her work.     

  “It can be very difficult to assert that you’re not getting a good work appraisal when your boss has a hidden or personal agenda such as wanting you to not look too good because he’s worried about being shown up by you,” “In that respect an employee can be at a disadvantage during a performance reviews. If you’re an easy-going kind of person, you may to take a less that favorable review on the chin and move on. But if you’re more sensitive, a negative PR can make you feel ineffectual, unliked, paranoid, anxious, resentful or disillusioned so that you feel very demotivated at work.”            

     “Ask the advice of colleagues who are on side. If you have a good relationship with the next person in charge you may want to drop in to their office and have a chat about your fears and concerns. However, if the unspoken rule of the organization is that you don’t go above someone’s head ever, no matter what your problem, you may have no comeback. That’s why it’s so important to try to ensure that you have a good working relationship and high profile with many people in your organization – not just your immediate manger.” One good way of doing this is to network with both clients and co-workers, so that you have a good support base. 

Survival pointers 

It’s D-Day – you barely slept all night worrying about what would be said during your PR and all morning you’ve felt like you’re about to face a firing squad. If your performance review makes you nervous, then in the week before, try using stress management techniques to help calm you down. Every day, do 20 minute relaxation sessions where you tense and relax all your muscles, breathe slowly and rhythmically and visualize yourself walking in to your PR meeting feeling cool, calm and confident.     

   On the day of your performance review, an hour before the meeting close your office door and do a 10-minute relaxation of take a quick walk around the block to clear your head. With 20 minutes to go, call a partner or friend to give you a pep talk so you enter the meeting in a confident frame of mind. And make sure you have organized to have lunch with a friend or sympathetic co-worker after the meeting so you can debrief and talk over how it went.

      In some organizations, PRs are nothing but a rubber-stamp activity. “The company may not follow through even though management has identified a person’s needs for further training,” “Or an employee might want to get a certain project up but need some assistance and their boss may not be forth-coming. This be frustrating and if it happens a few years in a row, you might need to start looking around for a job in a more supportive workplace. But in many cases, despite the butterflies they cause, performance reviews can be a really positive thing – they can give you a chance to clear the air with your boss, clarify what’s expected of you and draw attention to your many achievements and skills – reminding your manager just what good promotion material you are.”